Phoenix Rising

Life is so much about the balancing act, isn’t it?  This weekend is going to be very challenging for me.  I want to spend time with my boyfriend and my son.  However, I’m nearing the end of the semester.  As a teacher, I need to have the students’ papers back to them in a “timely” fashion.  So the papers that I’ve been putting off since November should probably be returned before the have to take their exams…
This is so foreign for me.  Before my ex left, I would get to work by 6:45am and leave around 5:00 or 5:30pm.  I often took work home, and did that until I went to bed.  I never got behind like this.  What I’m finding now is that I want to be at home.  And when I’m home, I want to be present.  I don’t want to be working on other work - I want to be with my boyfriend and my son.

This is how I know that I’m making the right decision.  Yes, there are days where I am concerned that maybe - just maybe - I’m not making the right choice for my son.  I never question that I’m making the right choice for myself - but I worry for Jay.  When I look back at the joy I have now being wholly present, I know that there was something wrong with my marriage and with my workaholism.

That said, I will lose my job if I don’t get this stuff graded.  So as I write this, my boyfriend and my son are getting to play (SOOOOO jealous!) and I’ve locked myself in my room with my iPod and the cat and my homework.  My goal is to spend one day away from them grading, so that tomorrow can be our family day.  You’d think that after all these years I’d be good at this balancing act, but I’m apparently a not-so-good juggler.  Any advice?  I’m all ears (my hands are too busy juggling)…

Getting divorced is no easy matter. I love how some people say, “Well, at least you have an amicable divorce.  That’s nice.”  Seriously?  What is wrong with you people?  Even the amicable divorces are emotionally wrenching and provide one with unforeseen obstacles and issues.  There is no such thing as an “amicable” divorce.  Divorce sucks. Period. There is, however, some silver lining - once everything is finalized, you get a second chance at life.  You get to become the person you’ve always wanted to be.  This is my hope and what I cling to.  That I can rebuild my life and be the best mother for my son.

I realized that things were wrong in my marriage slowly.  It was a nagging thought here, a lonely feeling there.  One day, I reconnected with an old friend of mine, Alan.  Al was with another woman, and he and I met for a simple cup of coffee.  He and the girl hadn’t been together very long, and I was frightened for them.  Already, only 4 months in, they were hanging out in separate rooms, sometimes going to sleep with hardly a word between them.  And sex?  Forget about it.  I was scared for there future - what would happen in six months?  Six years?  What scared me more than anything, though, was that it was a description of my marriage.  That was the final straw - I examined my relationship and realized that for it to work, my husband had to be a completely different person.  I decided then and there that things needed to change.  It wasn’t fair to me, to him, nor - most importantly - to our son.

Since then, Alan also left his woman.  He and I started spending more time together, and have since ended up dating.  Since he already knew my son, this was a very natural transition for us.  I’m thrilled about the whole thing, to be honest.  Everything is SO different from my marriage, but even so, I am cautious as to how I move forward from here.  I don’t want to be here again in ten years.

So that’s my story in a nutshell.  Like the phoenix rising from the ashes, I begin my life over.  I am SO lucky - I get a second chance to get it right!  My plan for this blog is to be an outlet for me.  I will hold nothing back from you, in the hopes that you may find inspiration here.  Being a single mom is hard.  Being a divorcée is hard.  Dating while being a divorced single mom is hard.  You’re not alone, and I’m not either.  So, if you’re interested, tell me about your story.  What brings you here?